My Hubby IS My Boyfriend

In the last year a number of people close to us have been experiencing marital problems and are either contemplating divorce, or have actually become divorced.  I have spent a lot of time pondering this.  Jeff and I have an amazing marriage.  It isn’t perfect, and there are hard times – I know that sometimes I probably drive him crazy, but we love each other deeply and are truly best friends.

As I have contemplated things to tell others who are struggling with their marriage, one idea that I have thought a lot about is, “What would you do differently after you got divorced?”  Well, I assume that you would start looking for a new boyfriend (or girlfriend, as the case may be).  Hmmm, seems like if you were on the “hunt” for a new person, you would probably treat that other person a bit differently than you treat your current spouse. 

What kinds of things would you do?  I would imagine that you would make sure you looked your best when you knew you were going out.  I assume you would date!!!  You would probably text each other and call each other throughout the day.  You would hold your tongue more often, be patient, and give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  You would use endearing words to them, you would put their comfort and happiness before your own.  You get my drift here….

So, if you are going to go to all that effort to have a boyfriend, why not make your HUSBAND your boyfriend???!!!!!  How do you greet your hubby when he gets home from work?  Do you basically ignore him, or do you give him a big hug and kiss?  Do you ever call or text him during the day just to share a funny incident or to tell him you love him?  Do you cuddle up with him when you watch a movie?  Do you sit by him in church or do you let all of the kids sit between you?

I love being married to my boyfriend!!  After 30 years we still flirt, cuddle, and hold hands with each other.  We have a weekly date, and we make a great effort to take good care of each other. 

Don’t you think it would be better to keep the spouse you have and keep your family intact?  It IS possible to fall back in love even if you think you have “fallen out of love.”  Give it a try…what do you have to lose???

The Sweetness of Humor

Unfortunately, I tend to be a person who instantly reacts to a situation instead of taking time to think things through before I act.  But a FEW times in my life I have actually paused, taken a breath, and then been quite pleased with the outcome of how I handled a particular situation.  This is about one of those…

My hubby Jeff and I had been married about a year or so and were living in a small apartment while we were attending college.  I will be the first to admit that I am a neat-freak and don’t like clutter, but I had been quite patient with the pile of Jeff’s clothes that were accumulating on the chest between our closet and bed.  Granted life had been VERY busy; we were both in school and working and also fulfilling busy responsibilities at church.  But really??????

I walked into the bedroom and began to have a little steam coming out of my ears when I saw “the pile”.  My first inclination was to be angry and snarky.  But I took a minute, a deep breath, and a BRILLIANT idea came to me!!  I screamed!!

Well, needless to say, that got Jeff’s attention.  He came running into the bedroom just sure I was about to die.  As I stood there, obviously fine, he asked me what happened.  I looked at him like I was worried and said, “You left your side of the closet door open and ALL OF YOUR CLOTHES JUMPED OUT!!!!”

Bless his heart, (yes, I am a southern girl, but I do mean that sincerely), from then on, and to this day 30-something years later, he is still WONDERFUL about keeping his clothes picked up!!!

Humor is a wonderful tool that can be used to diffuse difficult situations.  However, helpful humor does not include behavior that is belittling, demeaning, or degrading.  True, useful humor leaves both parties feeling emotionally “intact”, not “attacked”. 

Life is to be lived joyfully.  A little true and kind humor can go a long way.

I Have Become My Grandma!!

When I was growing up we used to chuckle at my grandma a bit because she had white index cards with notes written in green ink taped everywhere; they were all over her desk that was in the nook just off of the kitchen, they were on the refrigerator, they were on many of the cupboards in her kitchen.  There were notes to remind her to set the oven at 350' at a certain time, notes to pick up dry cleaning, and even notes taped to the back of the front door to remind her how much she owed the delivery man when he came (this is where I first learned what C.O.D. means as it was written on one of her "cards.") My grandma would have absolutely loved sticky notes!!!


One day a couple of years ago, I looked at my counter by my phone at my collection of "sticky notes."  I started to chuckle as I realized that I had become my grandmother!!!!


A wise friend asked me last night if maybe making such lists was a bad idea; if maybe it would be discouraging instead of helpful.  Perhaps for some people, but for me I love it...1) I love crossing things off that I have finished!!! and 2) it gets rid of my "brain clutter."  If it is written down I don't have to keep thinking about it.


I have a list tucked away in a notebook that is the "long term" or bigger projects, like the spot of the basement ceiling that really needs to be repainted.  The long list on the counter is the "mindless" things that need to happen soon, such as scheduling dentist appointments, getting car repairs, and currently a whole sticky dedicated to next Saturday's Scout Day Camp that I am in charge of carrying out.


Then there is the "daily" list; the one at the bottom.  It keeps me on track for that day's appointments, kid lessons, etc.  Gratefully I typically only have 2 or so lists at a time!!  Right now is just a little busy.


The only downside to all of this is that I feel like a quote from Marjorie Pay Hinckley when she was a young mom.  She said, “Last Thursday at [the General Authorities] Wives luncheon two of the granddaughters of Susa Young Gates gave a musical skit of her life.  She was a prolific writer, do-good-er, organizer, etc., etc., etc.  I turned to Sister Kimball and said, “It makes me wonder what I am doing with my life.”  “You are running to and fro,” she quipped.  She was right.  I am running to and fro and shiver to think that someday I will have to account for the time spent.”  (Glimpses into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley pg 87)

Many of these things I do are just things that "have to be done" to keep things running smoothly. I suppose one of the biggest challenges in life is deciding what's most important and making sure those don't get left off the list!!!

Lessons from the Little Stream

A favorite children’s song of ours is “Give Said the Little Stream.”

“Give,” said the little stream;
“Give oh give, Give oh give.”
“Give,” said the little stream
as it hurried down the hill.
“I’m small I know but wherever I go
The grass grows greener still.”
Singing, singing all the day
Give away, oh give away.
Singing, singing all the day
Give, oh give away.

A new “thing” we’ve started in our family is making “little stream” cookies, which means we make a batch of cookies and give them all away (ok, so we DO snitch some dough and one or two cookies each!!!).

I think that sometimes we get too busy in our lives to really take care of our “neighbors” as we should. This last year has been WAY over the top busy for my comfort level, (it still is, but I’m consciously working on it) and to be honest one of the things that was the hardest for me was feeling like I was too busy to be a true friend, wife, mother or daughter. I didn’t feel like I could take time to “just chat” or to stop and visit for a minute. I was emotionally and physically “unavailable.”

I think in today’s society we have gotten so caught up in our own lives that we are missing valuable and wonderful opportunities to care for, share with, and learn from others. I miss the times we used to have when I was younger when we would go over and visit the neighbors on their porches or out in their yards. In today’s world, it’s hard to know if it’s ok to just “drop by” because everyone is so busy.

Maybe it’s time we all learned a lesson from the “little stream.” And maybe the most important thing for us to “give away” is our time and sincere friendship.

Knocking Down Walls

I am currently visiting my mom for the week. As I was out walking yesterday I passed my former high school. It was old 26 years ago when I was there, so now it’s REALLY old!!! They are in the process of doing some rebuilding and changing. As I walked past the old driving range area they were just starting to knock down the tower building where the teacher would watch each driver out on the range and give them direction over the radio on what they needed to do differently. I’m sure I spent a lot of time out there, and hopefully I wasn’t TOO bad of a driver, but truly one of my few memories of my time on that range is the teacher yelling at me because I was having problems trying to drive a stick shift (I finally DID master it several years later, though!!)

It seemed kind of silly that watching that old building come down made me feel a bit emotional. I stood there and watched it for awhile. Maybe it wasn’t so much the building itself, as it was the flood of memories that came washing back to me. As I walked through my old neighborhood I thought of beloved neighbors and friends who I haven’t seen in many years, or who have passed on to “the other side.” I thought of people who were very dear friends in high school, but who I haven’t had contact with in way too many years.

I thought about old friends, and old acquaintances who have become friends over the years. I thought about how many things change over time. I thought about how I wish I could help my teenage children understand that, although their friends are ultimately important to them now, as the years go on many of those people will disappear from their lives, but they will always have their family…to help them understand the importance of spending time building relationships with their siblings.

I am very blessed that I am not a person who tends to hold grudges. However, I know plenty of people who do. Watching that building come down made me think about “walls” we have in our own lives. And not just walls of grudges, but walls of prejudice.

In thinking about friends from the past, I remember a young man who I was friends with, but was not particularly popular. One time I saw him coming toward me at a dance, and being oh so concerned about my own abilities to be “cool,” I hid so he wouldn’t ask me to dance. I have always regretted that. He was such a GOOD person and just nice guy. I’ve heard he actually turned out to be quite successful and I am very happy for him. I’m sorry that I lost that chance at building a better friendship with him.

What kinds of walls do we build? We all know about the walls we build to protect ourselves – walls we build because we have been hurt in the past, or because we are scared, or too busy, or whatever seems important. But what kind of trade-off have we made?

It completely drives me crazy to watch a movie where the actor and actress are both in love with each other, but one or both of them is unwilling to break down a wall, or even open a gate, to allow the other one “inside” to know their true feelings. If one or the other would just take the chance to say, “Hey, I really love you, like you, want to be with you, etc.” then they could have the possibility of a wonderful relationship.

How often do we do that in our lives? Maybe not with a “love interest,” but even with friends. What about that new neighbor that just moved in? She dresses a little differently from me, he seems a little conceited, they seem to have it all together and don’t need any more friends. There could be a myriad of excuses for us to not come out of our comfort zone – too busy, too shy, too insecure – but what kinds of wonderful relationships are we missing out on? What kinds of great experiences are we losing?

I love people. I love to learn about people. I have learned so many fascinating things from people who at first glance may seem not worth the conversation. When Jeff and I were in New Jersey last spring we were at the Newark airport on the shuttle to the departure gates. There was a man across from us that was probably in his late 20’s. He was definitely a piece of work! He looked like the poster child for how to be Gothic. He had more earrings, necklaces, rings, etc on his body than I even own. His hair was spiked, his fingernails were black, and he looked a tad bit intimidating. He looked at me as I looked at him. I kind of chuckled and said, “Ok, I just have to know…I can’t even get through security with a belt on! How do YOU get through???” That short ice breaker began a most fascinating and enjoyable conversation with this young man. What an amazing conversation (and conversation topic!!) I would have missed if I had merely decided he was too weird and not worth my attention.

We tear down the walls of old buildings to create something better. Maybe we can find ways to open gates in our walls, jump over the walls, or just plain forget about the walls. I think in doing this we will be amazed at the blessings that not only come into our own lives, but the blessing we can become in the lives of others.

A thought for today...

"To every man there comes in his lifetime that special moment when he is figurately tapped on the shoulder and offered a chance to do a special thing, unique to him and fitted to his talent - what a tragedy if that moment finds him unprepared or unqualified for the work which would be his finest hour." Winston Churchill

My 44th Birthday

Today is my 44th birthday. I really thought I’d be feeling “old” and weird about it, but as I pondered it, I realized that I actually feel younger than I have for awhile. I have come to realize that I am very likely only ½ way through my life, and goodness, that’s not a great time to be feeling old!!! It’s time to really LIVE!!

It was kind of funny at the breakfast table yesterday. My 13-year-old Michelle was discussing my upcoming birthday. I told her that now that I am turning 44 I am officially in my “mid-40’s” instead of my early 40’s. She assured me that the only “mid-40” is 45; before that you are early 40’s and after that you are late 40’s. I really liked that idea! However, I don’t think my 47-year-old dear hubby did!!!

This last year has been a really tough year for me, but a really amazing year. I have learned more in the last year than I had in many years. This last year I have learned to build a website, write a blog, buy a trademark, do office billing, be the Primary President, make a new type of baby blanket, and be a grandma, along with other “odds and ends” lessons!! I have also learned that I have more patience, intelligence, and talents than I realized.

I hope that I have learned, better than ever before, to “cherish the moment.” As I watch my children growing up to be wonderful human beings and as they leave home and start their own lives, I realize how short and precious are those few years we have them. Hopefully I am internalizing the concepts of “don’t sweat the small stuff” and “choose your battles.”

I have hopefully learned to really put my life in the Lord’s hands – to “jump on, hold on, and enjoy the ride.” Of course, as we all know, this is an on-going process! Just when we think we have it all figured out, the Lord decides to give a test here and there to see just how devoted we are to that concept!!!